Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
