i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
