apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
