she woke up with a sticky ear
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
