this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
