I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
