and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
