It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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