Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize