Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
