You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
