suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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