I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize