my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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