Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
