I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
