I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
