Kareoke will never be a sober sport
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
