the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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