But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize