That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
