if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
false alarm, still single
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
