I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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