Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
