We're facebook friends in real life
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
