just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
