Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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