Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
