M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
