I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
