I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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