I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
