Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
