I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
