You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I didn't notice because vodka
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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