I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
how drunk are you?
Several
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize