its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
