I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
