it was like his penis was on wheels.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
