Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
