WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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