Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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