It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
