You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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