y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Can Purell be used as lube?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
