I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have surprise drugs for everyone
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
