I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
