I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
