Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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