Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
