Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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