I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
