turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
