: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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