If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
