Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
