I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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