my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
