I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
